Managing Conflict

Conflict management and tension in the workplace. This is what we're going to be talking about today on how to lead the podcast for CEO founders and leaders who just want to find the perfect balance of empathy and authority. I'm Kate Waterfall Hill and I'll be sharing some ideas from over 30 years in business and leadership development.

Before we kick off, just a reminder, if you want to learn how to be a better leader, sign up to my free intentional leadership guide, or get more information on my coaching programs, so you can get my personal support with your leadership challenges at waterfallhill.co.uk. So let's kick off, as always, with my alter ego, Linda the Bad Manager, and see how she approaches conflict.

“How do I manage conflict or tension in the team? I don't. No, I just ignore it. Yeah, I mean I haven't spoken to Susan for about three and a half years now. Works quite successfully. Other than when we have to collaborate. Yeah, that's a bit awkward. I have to go through Janet. Mm hmm. Yeah. If people in my team don't get along?

Oh, I just ignore that as well. Yeah, tell them to get on with it. Yeah, work it out amongst themselves. Does that work? No, not really. There's an awful atmosphere in the office. But, um, what can you do? I don't like conflict. No. Isn't that my role as leader to sort that sort of thing out? Probably. Yeah. You can't be good at everything, can you?

Just one of those things I don't like, so I avoid it. What's the outcome? Um, generally speaking means that projects don't go as well as they might. Yeah, people aren't collaborating as efficiently as they should do. And, um, yeah, there's usually a bit of throwing people under the bus, that sort of thing. Um, a bit of a blame culture.

Um, yeah, just a bit awkward. People aren't very happy at the office. No, no. So it probably is quite a big thing, isn't it? But now I'm still not going to do anything about it. It makes me feel so icky.”

So, Linda there doing her usual thing of adding no value and actually making things worse by shirking her leadership responsibility. And let's face it, the best leaders are the ones that face tension and deal with it well. Yet so many people I meet just want to hide under their desks instead of actually managing workplace conflict.

So today we're going to explore why conflict feels so challenging and how we can reframe it into something that's actually useful. Yeah, you heard it right. Actually useful. Let's define first what we mean by conflict. One of the clearest definitions that I've heard is simply this. Conflict occurs when there's a gap between what's expected.

And what's experienced. And that's it. It's no particular drama. No throwing staplers across the office. Just a gap between expectations and reality. Think about it. You know, the last time you experienced some tension or some conflict, you felt uneasy. Perhaps someone promised to have those reports done by Friday.

Then Monday rolled around and there was nothing in your inbox. The gap between what you expected, the Friday delivery, and what you experienced, Monday morning panic, its simplest form.

The reality is that conflict, while challenging, isn't inherently negative. In fact, it often signals something important. The presence of different perspectives that need to be heard and understood. So when we encounter viewpoints that challenge our own, our initial reaction might be that we resist it.

But actually, moments of tension are precisely where the most valuable insights can emerge. If everyone in your team always agreed with you and each other, you'd miss out on crucial alternative viewpoints. You might not spot the flaws in your strategy, or you could overlook better approaches simply because they didn't align with your initial thinking.

That instance of confirmation bias might rear its ugly head. So different perspectives push us to question our assumptions and challenge our existing ways of working.

When managing effectively, conflict often leads to better understanding between team members, stronger working relationships and more innovative solutions. And if you think about it, sometimes the best friendships are ones that are born out of a bit of tension to start with. You know, you, you have to get it out on the table and discuss your differences.

And actually, sometimes it makes you closer because of it. it's through careful consideration of diverse viewpoints that we often arrive at more robust decisions and more creative approaches to problems. The key is creating an environment where these different perspectives can be shared openly and professionally and where disagreement is seen as a pathway to better solutions rather than a problem to be avoided.

But then why does conflict feel so hard?

in my years working in lots of different businesses and in coaching, I've found that there are several common reasons. The first is that we're worried it'll develop into an argument. You know, fair enough, nobody wants their casual, Hey, about that deadline, conversation to end up as next week's office gossip.

We don't want it blowing up out of proportion and causing that sort of awkwardness in the office. sometimes it's simply we just don't know what to say. you think you might stumble over your words, make it even worse, escalate the issue into something else.

Maybe you feel like you might get emotional, embarrass yourself, or actually lose your temper, embarrass yourself even more. The third reason I see is that people shy away from conflict sometimes because it brings back negative memories. And that's fair enough. Perhaps you've been traumatised from a time where you tried to give feedback to your first boss and they responded by questioning your entire career choice.

Maybe you're simply fearful of what will happen. Will this damage the relationship? Will it affect my career? Will I still get invited to virtual Friday drinks? Sometimes it feels like the stakes are just emotionally too high to go there. Even when the actual issue is small, our emotional investment can make it feel like we're negotiating world peace.

And then sometimes it's about what's normal for me isn't normal for others. Perhaps the way you've been brought up, your culture, the tradition in your family or in the places where you've worked before means that your direct and honest to somebody else is absolutely terrifying.

And you're aware of that and you want to tread carefully. So how might we review resolving conflict more positively?

Well, I love this really simple definition of how you can resolve conflict successfully, and it's this three part sentence. Resolving conflict can be viewed as a shared struggle towards a creative outcome that preserves the dignity of all parties. And I really love that.

So just taking it bit by bit. A shared struggle. It's not winning the argument or proving you're right. This isn't Hunger Games of office politics, it's more like a collaborative problem solving with a hint of tension thrown in for a bit of spice.

The creative outcome part of the definition I really like as well because it acknowledges that you're going to have to put a bit of energy into creating something that you haven't immediately seen at the outset. And then preserving the dignity of all parties, this is the really, really important bit, that nobody goes away bruised from conflict resolution.

Both parties should go away from the experience feeling like it was a good positive outcome.

So it's a compromise rather than somebody winning and somebody losing. This approach is really valuable when reviewing projects that haven't gone to plan. So rather than looking for who to blame, effective leaders use these moments to examine what needs to improve. Was the brief clear enough? Did we have the right systems in place?

Were our processes robust? These types of questions shift the focus from individual blame to collective improvement. falls short of expectations, there's a natural tendency for someone to hold accountable.

But this approach rarely leads to meaningful change. It usually leads to people hiding under the desk. So instead, treat these moments as opportunities to strengthen your systems and processes. Focus on what went wrong rather than who went wrong, and then you create an environment where people feel safe discussing challenges openly.

People are more likely to admit mistakes, own them, and find solutions.

This systems thinking approach has another benefit. It encourages your team to view setbacks as learning opportunities rather than failures. When people know that difficulties will be met with a solution focused response rather than blame they're more likely to flag potential issues early and contribute ideas for improvement.

It transforms potentially confrontational situations into collaborative problem solving opportunities.

So how do we manage conflict effectively? Let me share some practical tools and frameworks. First of all, there's the problem person separation. This is really crucial. Separate the person from the problem. So it's not your co-worker who's the enemy. It's the situation.

It's not us versus them. It's us versus the problem.

Then I recommend a language shift. A simple but powerful change can be something like replacing no but with yes and. It's amazing how this small shift can transform an argument into a brainstorming session. And instead of using you, try using I. So instead of saying you never meet deadlines, which let's face it, is basically declaring war, try, I notice we're having some challenges with project timelines.

So the difference here is, one starts a fight, the other starts a conversation.

To focus on being a perspective collector, so before jumping to conclusions, you get curious. Ask questions like, help me understand what happened from your point of view. It's amazing how often conflicts deflate when people feel genuinely heard.

Now let's talk about what to do when you're facing that dreaded conflict conversation. Here's a simple action plan for you. First of all, schedule it properly.

Unannounced or ambush somebody in the corridor. Really book a time to make sure that you both are focusing on the issue at hand.

Then start the conversation with curiosity rather than accusations or judgement. Really try listening more than you speak. And focus on solutions, not blame. And then at the end, make sure that you wrap up with clear next steps and accountability for who's going to do those.

Another thing to do is have an active listening toolkit. Active listening isn't just about keeping quiet while waiting for your turn to speak. There's a whole podcast coming up about this very issue, because it's about genuinely being curious about the other person's perspective. I'll share some brief techniques here, but watch out for that future episode.

So reflect back what you've heard. So what I'm understanding is dot, dot, dot. And ask clarifying questions. Could you help me understand more about dot, dot, dot. And then acknowledge emotions. It sounds like this has been really frustrating.

When it is your turn to speak, use a model, a framework to stop you just rambling on or just taking over the conversation. One of those is the SBI model. So situation, behaviour, impact. Situation, describe the specific situation. I noticed on Friday that. The behaviour, address the observable behaviour. And then impact, explain the impact it had.

Or even better, ask the other person to say what you think the impact was. So, it's a bit like being a sports commentator. Instead of a critic, you're sticking to what you actually saw, not what you assumed or were told by somebody else that might have a little twist of their point of view about it.

Remember, your responsibility as a leader is to de-escalate things. So, when tensions are rising, Have a go at some of these de-escalation techniques. Lower your voice and slow your speech. Something I'm not terribly good at. I speak really quickly, I know. Use I statements instead of you accusations, as I've said before.

And take a tactical pause. Don't retreat necessarily, but just regroup. So if you think something's getting a little bit overly emotional, just say, hey, might it be a good time now to have a two minute break? Let's all go get a glass of water or, you know, go and get some fresh air. But let's come back again.

And then find something to agree with, even if it's just acknowledging their frustration, or thanking them for their patience.

I've talked about coaching models in another podcast episode, and just to touch on one here, which is also really good for resolution, it's the GROW model. G R O W, G standing for goal, R for reality, O for options, and W for way forward. So, Goal. What do we both want to achieve here? If you can find a common ground and a common goal, that often helps you moving forwards from a place of tension.

Reality. Where are we now? And actually listen to both points of view to see the bigger picture. And then options. Ask everybody what possibilities exist. Don't just enforce your solution that you've come up with because you're the leader. And then way forward. What specific actions will we take as a group? And what can we do to support each other?

Reframing is a really useful tool for lots of different things and I recommend it a lot in my coaching sessions. Because sometimes it's all about how we frame the situation in our minds that gives us the answer.

So try reframing, this is going to be a difficult conversation and I'm feeling awkward about it, to I'm going to use this conversation as an opportunity to help develop skills or encourage a new way of looking at this issue. You might find it helps take the pressure off you. So you go in with, in a different frame of mind, a different tone of voice, and a different stance, a different use of language.

Sometimes the most difficult part about conversations is the anticipation of the negative response that you are about to have. And you anticipate the worst case scenario often. So if you try spinning it around to think to yourself, this conversation could build my relationship with this person, or it could mean that we revolutionise the way we do things, we change the process for the better.

What's in your control about how you conduct yourself in this interaction and have that thought in your mind as well?

Whilst as leaders, we want to welcome lots of different points of view so we get a diverse range of opinions, sometimes the best conflict resolution is to prevent it in the first place. So, if you can, have regular check ins, not just when there's a problem, so you know what's going on and you can see things off early.

Make sure there's clear documentation of decisions and agreements, so people have transparency and clarity over what's going on. Make sure there are established feedback channels, so people have the opportunity to give feedback. And then have some sort of working agreement or team charter, so people know what's expected of them as a group.

And make sure you have regular process reviews, so that you keep things up to date. Because how you've done them in the past might not be how you should do them going forwards. You might want to simplify or automate something.

And if you keep having regular conversations, you can also use those for expectation setting. You might need to do a bit of a reset. This often prevents conflicts from arising in the first place. Think of it as a sort of relationship maintenance rather than a conflict resolution.

Okay, there was a lot in this episode, so let's wrap it up with some key takeaways. Conflict is simply a gap between expectations and experience. way, and it might make the fear go away a little bit.

Also, conflict isn't inherently bad. It's how we handle it that matters. Success means finding creative solutions while preserving the dignity of all parties. Really important part. Understanding why conflict feels hard sometimes helps us to manage it better. Active listening is an absolute superpower in conflict resolution.

Helping the other person feel heard can sometimes dissolve the tension. Use structured models. If that helps you to make sure that the conversation flows well, things like SBI and Grow really good for clarity. Re listen to the de-escalation techniques that I've covered in this episode and then you'll have them at hand for heated moments.

Prevention is better than cure, so invest in relationship maintenance where you can. Re framing transforms conflicts into opportunities and you're focusing on shared goals rather than individual positions. And the last thing is, small language changes can have big impacts. So there you go.

Conflict in leadership isn't about winning or losing. It's about finding better ways to move forward together. After all, if everyone thought exactly the same way, most of us would be redundant. So next time you face conflict in your team, instead of hiding under your desk or coming out all guns blazing, looking for who's to blame, remember this.

Every successful leader you admire has faced similar situations. The difference is they learn to handle them effectively and now so can you. So that's all for this week. If you've enjoyed this episode of How To Lead, do follow for more leadership insights. And remember, if you'd like my personal support, take a look at my website, waterfallhill.co.uk and you'll find more information there about my one to one coaching and group mentorship programs. There's never been a better time to take your professional development seriously than right now. I'd be delighted if you could like, leave a review and share with your fellow leaders to help spread the word.

It really does make a huge difference showing your support in this way. Team management doesn't have to be frustrating. You too can enjoy being an authoritative yet empathetic leader. Just takes a decision to be more intentional about your interactions with others. Some great tips for how to influence positive outcomes.

And of course, a great guide by your side.

Listen more, advise less, lead well. Thanks for listening.